Uninspired Ramblings

I am marveling at how un-Lentish life feels to me so far this season... we have all been struggling with sickness - Vivi especially, and that has caused every single day to feel like a Sabbath day - which, maybe means it has actually been a lot more like Lent than I have realized! But in all this hanging around doing a lot of nothing I have only been more aware of my own state of restlessness. As much as I say I worship the god of Leisure, I think I am bored to easily for this to be all that true of me. Too much down time makes my brain totally shut down. So, here I sit, with nothing to say because we have done a whole lot of nothing lately...

Reflections on Ashes and Kids

The children and I attended an Ash Wednesday service yesterday at St. Mary's Catholic Church. It was lovely. I don't know what it is about Catholic mass, but it moves me to tears almost every time. Something in the beautiful reverence for our God that I fear is missing in most protestant environments, I guess. Anyway, the priest called us to a time of prayer, fasting and alms giving - the traditional 3-fold Lenten experience. Then we all got in line to receive the ashes. I was so moved. When the lay minister placed an ashen cross on the foreheads of my children and recited "Remember from dust you were formed and to dust you shall return," I just lost it.

My GOD! What a God we serve - Glory Be that we can say, with the utmost confidence that WE WILL NOT RETURN TO DUST but live eternally with our RISEN LORD. Glory HALLELUJAH! Oh my goodness, I am just busting with that truth. It was all I could do not to stand up and shout from the pew this profound truth.

Phew... I also got to thinking about how I could get the kids more on board with this Lent Thing, because they definitely did not get what that service was all about. SO - We are going to make a paper chain with 40 links and on each link will be something we give up for that day or do that day to help us prepare for Easter.

I'm off to Bible study now. I wish I had time just now to go into the AMAZING things God is showing me through this study of Esther. Maybe tomorrow. Until then -

Today's The Day!

Happy Ash Wednesday!
I think that might be an oxymoron, actually. Ash Wednesday is not really meant to be a day of rejoicing, but a day of mourning. We mourn our sinful natures and our evil ways. We grieve because we have grieved God. As ashes in the shape of the cross are bestowed upon the forehead, in many traditions the following words are spoken over the penitent:

Remember, O man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return. (Latin: Memento homo, quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris.)

—Genesis 3:19

Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel.

—Mark 1:15

Repent, and hear the good news.

—Mark 1:15

Today is to be a day of reflection upon the things we do which displease God. Not exactly uplifting. But 40 days from today is the awe-some moment when we realize our freedom from these actions/habits/sins and embrace the Risen Christ. I have goosebumps.

I believe in the value of spending this day in mourning. I believe in the value of spending 40 days renouncing these things. What a way to build up glorious anticipation for the resurrection!

The next forty days hold some exciting things for me:

• Blogging everyday again! I gave up Spiritual Reflection as soon as I gave up blogging... so lesson learned and I will be at it once again, but in a new way.
• Limiting sugar and electronic devices. - I am setting the stage for Holy Week, when my entire family will join me in this one - No TV for a week should probably be the end of Vivi.
• Practicing Intentional (not random) Acts of Kindness. - More on this later, but this is in an effort to displace the "Mean Girl" in me.
• Exercising 2x a week. Sounds ridiculous, only TWO times?! But if manage to faithfully do this, it will be by the grace of God.

In these practices I attempted to impact the four aspects of my life: Spiritual (blogging and kindness acts), Mental (ALL), Physical (diet and exercise), and Emotional (ALL) in an effort to recognize that ALL four of these areas of my life need to be cleansed and released from bad habits and the negative impact of sin. May the next forty days be a journey towards wholeness, but more importantly towards holiness.

One Week Warning!

Ash Wednesday is one week away. On most Christian calendars this marks the beginning of Lent. Wikipedia has a lot of information about the season of Lent and I include a small portion of that here:

There are traditionally forty days in Lent which are marked by fasting, both from foods and festivities, and by other acts of penance. The three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent are prayer (justice towards God), fasting (justice towards self), and almsgiving (justice towards neighbour). Today, some people give up a vice of theirs, add something that will bring them closer to God, and often give the time or money spent doing that to charitable purposes or organizations.

I really like the 3-level approach to Lent offered here. I will be prayerfully considering what my specific practices will be and wanted to encourage anyone to join me in a great historical tradition of celebrating Lent this year in this manor. Please consider sharing your 3 practices with me via this blog so we can all benefit from each other's ideas and encourage one another in the next 47+ days!

As soon as I have nailed down my choices for my Lent observance, I will share them with you all!

40*

“For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.” (Psalm 33:4-5)

What a great statement to end my 40 Days of Blogging! Seems the perfect sorta verse to commit to memory for those times when I lose hope. God is so faithful - in all he does. Which is so flipping impressive when you think about it. It took a small miracle for me to remain faithful to my commitment to blog for 40 days straight. There were days when I did it out of a sense of obligation, there were times when I avoided it until the last minute, when I didn't feel like doing it, when I struggled to have anything to say. Yet I remained faithful, to a degree.

But with God, there are no degrees of his faithfulness. He is Completely Faithful. All the Time. Which means, he never "doesn't feel like it," or performs out of obligation or a sense of duty or looks at anything with a sense of drudgery or dullness. Hah! God is never bored! God never just goes through the motions. His heart is always in what he does, as evidenced by a world that is full of his unfailing love.

What an amazing quality of God. It inspires awe in me. Sometimes, I imagine him having a bit of that "oh brother, here we go again" attitude about me, but he simply doesn't. His faithfulness to me and my relationship with Him is never ending and never forced upon himself. He willingly has infinite patience, infinite grace, and infinite mercy - loving me without attitude. Gosh. Sorta makes me feel sorry for the days when I struggled to spend time reflecting on His word. Sorta humbles me a bit. Sorta makes me feel I owe Him and apology.

Not sure what I will do from here, now that my 40 days are up - but I am certain I will be posting far more frequently than I used to from here on out! Perhaps not every day, mind you, but often. It will be interesting to see how my attitude changes in response to my daily Verse of the Day Emails. Gosh, I hope it does. Time will tell, I guess...time will tell.

* Yes I do intentionally refer to U2's song here, on Day 40...
I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay.

I will sing, sing a new song. I will sing, sing a new song.

How long to sing this song? How long to sing this song? How long...how long...how long...how long...to sing this song

He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm. Many will see, many will see and fear.

I will sing, sing a new song. I will sing, sing a new song.

How long to sing this song? How long to sing this song? How long...how long...how long...how long...to sing this song

The Power of God's Strength in Me

“ I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:1-2)

I am abandoning my assignment for today, or maybe perhaps showing an example of how the Lord has been my strength this week (although I think that interpretation might be a stretch in this story).

The other night, as Bo and I were doing our nighttime routine, he refused to say his bedtime prayers. He does this on occasion and normally I don't make a big deal out of it, I just say them for him - but this time he was a bit ornery about it, so I mildly scolded him and proceeded to pray anyway. Afterward, Bo looked at me incredulously.

"You know why I don't pray?" He smirked.
"No, why?"
"Because I don't believe in God." He scoffed. I cringed. With everything I could muster I avoided an emotionally-laden response and just nodded a "hmm."
"Wanna know why I don't believe in him?" He prompted.
"Sure."

"Because I keep asking and asking and asking him for another baby sister and I don't have one, so I don't believe in Him."

Thwump. That's the sound of a fist hitting my gut as those words met my ears. I paused, and my spirit must have communed with God's Spirit in those split seconds because I am pretty sure that is the only explanation as to why I didn't burst into sobs. Instead, I smiled gently.

"Bohdan, just because God's answer is sometimes 'No' doesn't mean He doesn't exist. Sometimes, the answer to our prayer is simply 'No.' Does Mommy sometimes say no to you when you ask me for stuff." He nodded. "Well, I'm still here, aren't I? I exist, don't I?" I asked.

"Nope. You don't exist either." Bo replied, with that adorable impish grin of his. We laughed and said goodnight.

I guess my point of sharing this is to remind myself that even when God is seemingly the source of attack (provoking a need for the things mentioned in this Psalm), He is still the one who will give us the strength to get through it. He is still the source of protection, which seems to contrary to our logical minds. But as God says no to me about my heart's desire and in turn reveals the heart of my own son, who shares my wish, God gives me the strength to get through it. Not only that, He teaches and guides me through it. Our God is truly magnificent.

Why I Sing

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” (Psalm 59:16)

This is Why I Love to Sing

Focus shifts from me to them to us to You
I close my eyes so as to open more my ears
The locks unfasten on the doors to my heart

I hear more in our numbers as joined by the unseen
Harmonies of heaven and earth intertwined

I'm set free from this shell and swept up to You
You sit where You should and invite me to come
Surrounded, I dance for You.

There is beauty I refuse to admit, grace my eyes don't typically see
As I dance and sing before my King

And You... You do the unthinkable. You rejoice in my display of Love for You.
And This, This is Why I Sing.

Seeing into the Future

“However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"—” (1 Corinthians 2:9)

Why do you suppose the verse of the day was taken from Corinthians instead of Isaiah, where we find this quote originally? I figured there must be a reason, so I looked into the context of 1 Corinthians. Why did they need to be reminded of what it said back in Isaiah?

Apparently there were some questions amongst the Corinthians regarding true wisdom. It sounds to me like there might have been some inadequacy issues among the believers regarding sharing the truth of Jesus within their communities. They seemed to believe, based on the encouragement of Paul's words in Ch. 2 that they lacked the wisdom needed to successfully evangelize or disciple new believers.

So Paul goes into this really encouraging speech about wisdom - how he totally lacks it and how weak he himself is and how he can do nothing without God's Spirit. Therefore, it has nothing to do with the ability of the vessel, but everything to do with what you put in it.

Then he goes into talking about how they need to redefine wisdom. That the wisdom we gain as believers is not the wisdom of this world, but a wisdom which actually involves the very same Spirit which lives in God. Thus, we can know the things of God in the same way our own spirits know the things of ourselves, because the Spirit knows God with the same intimacy our own spirits know ourselves.

Therefore, while "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, [and] no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him," with the Spirit in us, God can reveal these things to us.

Woah. Is that saying what I think it is saying? I think it can be taken one (or both) of two ways. Either we can be shown by the Spirit our earthly future - what God has prepared for us in this life, His plan for our hope and our future; or we can be shown our heavenly future - having knowledge of what God prepares in heaven for us.

Either way, that's pretty cool and hard to imagine. I am tempted to lean toward the first option, simply because it makes sense to me that, in being filled with the Spirit, we would have wisdom to know the path our lives should take. Considering this is one of my hang-ups, I may be gravitating to it for that reason, too.

See, every big decision I make (my mom can so attest to this) I AGONIZE over whether it is "God's will and plan for my life." I end up all in a tizzy wishing God would send me a telegram or something REALLY obvious so I would have confidence I was walking the path He has laid out for me, not veering to the left or to the right. I look forward to the day when God grants me, through my humble submission to Him and the abundant indwelling of His Spirit, the kind of confidence and wisdom this verse suggests. With a glance at my post-it attached to my computer screen, I pray, "Lord, fill me with your Spirit and give me wisdom for this day. Amen."

I Love Him, I Love Him Not

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” (Deuteronomy 6:4-5)

Isn't it maddening that something that sounds so simple is so flipping hard to do??!!! That was my response to reading this verse today. When I think about loving something or someone with all my heart, soul and strength I think about how much I would want to spend time with that person or doing that thing. I think about how they would consume my every waking thought and my dreams at night. I think about how I would do anything, sacrifice anything for that person or that thing.

And yet, here I sit, still struggling to remember to pray. Struggling to make reading God's word a priority. Struggling to seek Him and His kingdom first. Struggling to find ways to daily surrender to His will for my life. Struggling to know His heart for me. Struggling. Struggling. Struggling.

I don't want to believe this all means I don't love God. But my actions sure speak louder than my words. Sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to develop that insatiable passion for Jesus that I see in others (a rare few, mind you). And I get scared. The people I know who love Jesus with an utter abandon that I honestly find intimidating if not plain out there are people who have been to hell and back. Is it possible to love God with all our heart, mind and soul without the trip through the ringer? Is it possible to achieve a mature faith without the trials and suffering? I don't honestly know.

I say I want to love God, mind, soul and body, but at what cost am I willing to really pursue that? Am I wrong to think there is a cost? I don't think so - historically loving God like that hasn't bode well for folks. Think of the disciples, Joan of Arc, the Chinese Christians, Jim Eliot and his team, Christians in Muslim nations.... It isn't exactly a hall of fame I want my name listed in. Does that make me shallow? Does that make me less of a Christian?

If nothing else, it makes me an honest one to admit that, I guess. Luckily for me, God is in the business of making new hearts and I am a willing vessel in that regard. As He changes my heart, I hope it will result in my caring less and less about the things which keep me from a heart, soul & strength love for the Lord. For now, I hope He will accept my humble adaptation from one of my favorite prayers in Scripture:

I love you, Lord. Help my lack of love for you.