Moving On

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:5-6)

You are entering into a conversation which began this morning, around 4:05 AM. Well, actually it is a conversation that has continued off and on for the past 8 years. But in this specific moment, this verse is actually a pretty direct answer to my frustration I was hashing out with God last night.

If you've been around me the past decade you know I have struggled with infertility through most of it. Initially, it wasn't long before David and I shifted gears from the medical establishment to the legal one and chose the adoption route. Twenty-one months later Vivi was born, with no medical intervention and no hard-core "intentionality" on our part.

This March, it will be four years since she then and 2 rounds of hormone treatments, one round of IUI, and about six months of acupuncture treatments later and apparently, I still have issues.

At this point I vascillate between being very content with the idea of no more diapers or having to break down and buy the dreaded mini-van versus hating my body for not cooperating with my life-long dream of being surrounded by a truck-load of children and grandchildren. I think if it weren't for the daily reminder of a reproductive system on the fritz, I would probably find contentment with the beautiful family God has blessed me with. But, unfortunately the female human body is designed with constant flags and signals to let you know what it is (or isn't) doing. So, there I was at 4AM, my mind uncapable of shutting down, as is often the case, and I found myself going over the past week or so, questioning this signal and that flag and wondering, "could it be? Maybe this time I am?..." The way I figure it, minus the 15 or so months of pregancy and lactation with Vivi, I have experienced this conversation with God now about 82 times.

And I am sick of it.

And that's exactly what I told God roughly 15 hours ago. In my anguish, I cried out to the Lord, "Please, I don't want this anymore. I want what You want for me. Take the desires of my heart. I don't want them anymore. I want the desires of Your heart instead. I am tired of feeling like I am fighting the same battle month after month. I am tired of being resentful of every pregnancy I hear about. I am tired of not being content enough with what You have already blessed me with. I am tired of wanting anything other than what You, God, want for me."

Now, I sit...waiting to be "set free." I am hopeful, and for now, that's enough for me.

** Please, consider not replying. I have found, over the past 8+ years, even when people have the best of intentions, their words of comfort in this regard come back hollow or even really harsh. I welcome your prayers for God to truly set me free from this longing. I don't want it anymore and would love to feel I have moved on. It is comfort enough to know someone else "cries out in anguish" with me. May God bless you.